murky...but clear to me

"get angry! why don't you get angry?" she asked me while we were having late lunch. " i don't know " i said. " i want you to express your emotion. i want you to shout, whatever, just let it out" she continued. " what can i do? i don't have the emotion you want me to express" i answered. it frustrated her that i was calm and looked fine. pat's worried that i am just suppressing my feelings. the thing is, i wasn't hurt or anything because i got turned down. if anything, what happened was a huge favor. i wish i had made it happen much, much earlier so i had known much, much earlier that really there was no point in keeping my word. i only wanted to find out if whatever is left inside of me is real or am i just holding on to an idea that is not one bit real. i wanted to find out for sure. i am assuming i was misinterpreted. it's easy to be but i don't give a care anymore. at the end of the day, while i've made myself look like a fool for making sure i stick to my word, i still am convinced that i am a much, much better person because i've done nothing wrong and have been as honest as i could possibly be. i'm at peace with that.